Restart ... Fully Charged 269.8

I haven't gone back to read my prior posts ... years have passed it seems and the weight has really done nothing but shoot back up and up and up, to a depressing 270 pounds. I think, unless I was heavier without knowing or have blocked out the painful memory, that this is the heaviest I've ever been ... in my life!

The funny thing is, I don't look, or ... I don't FEEL like I look heavy. I know I don't look thin, I know I don't look a thing in the world like my facebook photo or the blog photo I have plastered over my other more popular design blog. But still, nothing stops me from eating mounds of crap daily that I don't need or want, but feel required to eat. Do you ever feel that? Required to eat?

For instance, Sam, a girl at my office brought Easter candy to work. Now, with an office full of fat asses, why in the hell would you bring Easter candy in? BAGS of it! No joke, at least 3 bags. Better yet, why the hell would you bring it in with a fancy serving dish? It was like she was testing ... and I failed. I ate a handful each day until it was gone.

I don't fit into anything in my closet. I tried on a shirt a few days ago that I wore back in December, maybe November of last year and it didn't fit. Wouldn't even button. I looked like I was shopping in the little boys section of Ralph Lauren ... and I felt like total shit. In fact, this has pushed itself into every realm of my life. I don't take good enough care of myself, I don't take good enough care of my husband, and I haven't been taking ANY care of my house - which, sadly, is probably my number one priority. I just want a do over. I want to wake up, back down at 192 lbs after having lost all the weight the first time, and have the opportunity to do better this time. To go to the gym even when I don't want to - to eat better - stay healthy. But I'm not delusional, I know that's not going to happen. What has to happen though is a change. The start of one, anyway. My goal is simple, to lose weight. That's it ... by any means necessary, but to lose it. A pound at a time.

I know that I can diet irrationally, and I probably will. I'll lose 20 pounds in a matter of a week or so, and then plateau ... but unlike every other time when I fell off the wagon only to gain the 20 I lost plus 20 more back, I am going to have to push through, and suck it up. Quit being a cry baby, and stop wishing that it could come easy. Get out there, and do something about it. TODAY! So, because there is literally $100 worth of food in the fridge for a dinner I planned to have Sunday, before fighting with my husband for an hour over why a sofa wouldn't fit in the basement, I am going to have my last supper tomorrow (well, today) and then start the PSMDF tomorrow. I've probably gone into the PSMDF in this blog before ... so I won't do it now. The goals are as follows:

That's just about 30 pounds in a month, and then pushing over into May, 32.3 pounds by my 29th birthday! It's my goal (ultimately) to be down to 215 before July. I know that the first 20 will come off quicker than my goal weight chart ... but keeping it off, and keeping the losses coming at as great of a percentage to May 22nd, will be a chore. One that I will have to continually remind myself of. This sheet shows a total loss of 37.9 pounds lost in a month and a half. I think I probably can lose closer to 40 - 45 if I play my cards right, and really take this and myself seriously. I have a feeling that my job may be on the line ... not for my weight ... for my inability to function and stay focused because of all the chaos in my life. Perhaps losing it ... the job, will help to lose the weight. Course, it wouldn't help to pay my bills - so that's not realistically a good option. But it could happen - and if it did, it would give me the ability to be in a gym 4-hours a day. Like on the biggest loser. But I digress, I'm hoping to be 30-40 pounds thinner by my birthday, May 10th. That puts me at around 230-235 pounds. I'm then hoping to keep the momentum, and lose an additional 30-40 pounds by July 16th. At 195 pounds, my red flag weight is 205. I will never, NEVER, let myself get over that weight again. EVER! Good night old me, good morning ... the real me.

17.4 Pounds Down

I think that's right, anyway. I don't understand why my scale does this .blahblah stuff. It's not ounces, so how do you read that exactly? Maybe I need a more advanced scale - hmmm.

Ok, so here's the good part about all of this. I'm looking at having somewhere in the range of 30-35 pounds off in September, and that will keep me right on track for my total goal of 50 by November. In October, I plan on slowly introducing a healthy track of carbs and cheating occasionally - and I'd like to do that without having some massive repercussion of gaining 100 pounds.

Back to September. With 17.4 - 17.8 pounds down after Day 10, that means that if I stay on this path, (given that my cheat tonight will set me back 2.9 pounds) I'll possibly be at 52.8 pounds lost in September putting me at 212.4. Wow - that's lofty!

I can't imagine it though. That's quite a feat for just 30 days - 52 pounds! That's at a rate of 1.76 pounds per day. Granted, there's the potential there for less loss as this diet proceeds, possibly more loss as the diet proceeds if I'm steady and add exercise to my regiment.

Anyway - big question of the day is ... do I cheat tonight. I mean, I want to. I REALLY REALLY want to, but is it worth it? My friend Sheri sent me a text yesterday that said:

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS

Now that's something to say over and over and over, huh? LOL!

15 Pounds Down

Well, I was shocked this morning. 250.4, that's 15 pounds!

The weight journey started like this:

1. Day 1: September 1, 2010: Weight 265.2
2. Day 9: September 9, 2010: Weight 250.4

Now, if you remember, I was down 20 pounds by this time last time I did the diet, but in all fairness, I hadn't cheated at all during that series, and I was working out like crazy daily hoping to get the weight off.

I'm guessing that I'll be able to get the weight off pretty quickly, or as quickly as I am not with no problem. Ultimately losing another 50 pounds would be fabulous, but I'm not all together sure that it would look too good to be that thin again.

My hope is that the rest of the month might fall in line like this:

1. Day 15: September 15, 2010: Weight 245.0
2. Day 20: September 20, 2010: Weight 240.0
3. Day 25: September 25, 2010: Weight 235.0
4. Day 30: September 30, 2010: Weight 230.0

If I can lose 35 pounds in September, not my goal - my hope, then I will be in a very good place for the rest of October. October will bring some big changes, as I plan on hitting the gym daily, and hard. This might include some at home work outs, walking around the block with the girls, and other "training" methods.

Ultimately, October would look something like this:

1. Day 40: October 10, 2010: Weight 225.0
2. Day 45: October 15, 2010: Weight 222.0
3. Day 50: October 20, 2010: Weight 220.0
4. Day 55: October 25, 2010: Weight 218.0
5. Day 50: October 30, 2010: Weight 216.0

Now, you know I have to have some candy on halloween. Or atleast I think I do. Maybe with the extreme loss of weight (if possible through this calculation - a total of 49.2 pounds) then I will not want the candy. Hmmm.

Given that the conference I am attending is on November 12, 2010, I'm going to probably have a water fast program in November at least for a few days. This will help shed any extra water that's in my system so that I can be as thin as possible.

1. Day 60: November 9, 2010: Weight 210.0
2. Day 65: November 14, 2010: Weight 215.0
3. Day 70: November 19. 2010: Weight 212.5

I've definitely got my work cut out for me. So, we'll see. Crossing my fingers here.

230?

Well, after re-reading the blog, I realized that 230 was where I was for the trip I took with my friend WAY back in Feb of 2009. That was a whopping 20.7 pounds in 10 days. Course, then I messed it up and went off the wagon! LOL! Course I wonder ... what's going to happen this time?

My date is much further off - 2 months, and 11 days so there's less of a chance that I'm going to use 20 pounds as my "cheating" point. Hell, I don't need a cheating point. LOL! I need to lose 65 pounds!

So, I am doing well - I did lose weight. About 5 pounds. So I really only need to lose 60.8 pounds. Not quite 61 pounds. I think that I can do it before Christmas. THINK. WANT TO. but who the heck knows - maybe it'll happen - maybe not.

I definitely need to be nearer to 220 preferrably 215 by November 11. What's Nov. 11. A great opportunity. One I can't and won't pass up.

I also just thought about my last trip to this place - someone with us said: "You could stop eating Candy and lose 60 pounds." WOW! I mean, that's rude, but what I'm focusing on is the word SIXTY! SIXTY!?!?

I mean, she could have said 40, or 30, or 20 - but no, 60! SIXTY!~

I guess that means it was evident to others - especially her, that I had 60 pounds to lose! BITCH. I mean, I'm sorry kids - but come on. Who the hell says something like that? To someone they call their friend!?!!

Anyway, I can't wait to lose 60 pounds and then show up at her door. HELLO!!?!!? LOL! And likely, I'll probably have already lost it before I see her again. Haven't seen her since June.

So, anyway - the task, stay on the diet. EVEN WITH THE WEEKEND HOLIDAY. If I can do this I can do anything!

It's late ...

It's late, but I had to blog after pulling this blog up. I started my diet again yesterday, well - really three days ago now (it's so late) but this time I am sticking to it. I PROMISE! I promise myself, I promise you - though I don't know who you are - I promise my mom, my brother, my partner, my friends, my job, my future - I promise everything that means anything to me that I will no longer let food control me.

Starting weight : 265.2 - yeah, I know! I KNOW!!! I am heavier now than I have been in a long time. Probably heavier than I've ever been.

Thursday Weigh In

Ok, so I had the day off and took the opportunity to sleep in. Well worth it, and much needed. I really thought that the recoup would have helped speed the weight loss - but it didn't. Sadly. Today, I work up to find that I hit 248.6, which equals two very special points:

1. Under 250
2. 10 Pounds down

And even though I so badly wanted to have jelly beans or chocolate - it is Easter afterall, I didn't give into the cravings and found that after just a few hours - they were gone. Along with my hunger all together. Today I ate 3 sticks of beef jerky. None of them particulary good - and none of them because I wanted to. I had to get protein into my body - and with my peculiarly busy day (seeing as I was off of work) I had no choice but to eat gas station food.

That was until this evening, around 10pm, when I ate a small hamburger pattie and a tsp. of ketchup. And believe it or not - it was actually really good, and just enough to take the hunger edge off.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I can avoid the scale all togehter. Gaining weight at this point would be a huge deterrent, especially if I weigh before I go to my office which has atleast 2 bowls of easter candy.

10 pounds down, 35 more to go. I can do this ... I can do this!

Ok - I Cheated

Yes, I cheated ... but not on my diet. I cheated and weighed myself before the Thursday timeline that I had set for myself on Monday. In fact, I weighed Tuesday and this morning. I couldn't help it.

So, Monday 11 AM: 258.4

Tuesday 1:00PM: 253.2

Wednesday 8:00AM: 250.6

So, within the last 48 hours, I've lost 7.8 pounds. Not so bad, huh? Now I'm under no illusions that this is fat. In fact, I know that this is all water and glycogen. But atleast it's GONE!

That's the UP side.

The down side:

I've probably had 1000 calories over the past two days. I'm tired. I'm extremely tired. And I'm starting to crave sweets again. Damned Easter and those jelly beans! But I'm staying strong. I was on Ebay last night and I found the CUTEST sweater/cardigan thing. It's a little metro, hermo/unisex-ish, but so cute. If only I could fit into it.