Ok, so I've become of of "those" people. The people who constantly talk about losing weight - but never do anything about it. The people who drive through the drive through at lunch instead of getting up the extra 30 minutes before work to make a nice lunch that isn't filled with salt, sugar, and CARBS! What happened to the person I used to be? Where did he go? Why isn't he standing up for himself, telling the "new" me to stop eating crap, stop sulking about, and do something!
I have lost weight - not much, certainly not as much as I wanted to by this time - only 6 pounds. 251.7.
I look in the mirror and say: "You don't look bad." Then I'll see a picture and re-think that. Like now, there are pictures of me on a website from a community service venture - and although I was surprised that I looked as good as I did - there is one shot of me standing - and you can totally see the pertruding fat of my lovehandles. I'm not just making this up people. It's true! You can. It's not JUST ME!
And yet - I know that's the case and what am I doing to fix it? NOTHING! I'm still drinking diet coke by the gallons every day. I know that's not good for me for a BUNCH of reasons, not to even include weight and dietary sugar needs. I am drive-thru-ing everyday at lunch. No ryhme nor reason. I don't get why I'm sabotaging myself.
I don't like this. I don't like it at all. And I know I've said this 100 times, but I'm going to take back my life... TODAY! Not monday, not tomorrow. TODAY! I'm going to go downstairs and fill up this 1liter bottle of diet coke with water. I'm going to walk tonight. I'm going to do garden work, and I'm going to run tomorrow. I'm going to do my slim-in-6 dvd tomorrow too. Maybe even tonight. I'm going back on my diet. I'm not going to get off of it until I've lost 35 pounds, and can fit comfortably into a 36" waist.
I'm going to start RIGHT NOW caring about my appearance, my hygene, my SELF! I hate to admit that I haven't been taking care of myself, I really haven't. I'm so ashamed. But I can only be this way if I allow it. And I'm not allowing it anymore. NO MORE!
Now - now that I'm all worked up and talking myself into this - I'm feeling invigorated. I just have to make myself do this. I have to keep up the good fight. I have to do all that I can, every time that I can. Make healthy choices. Remember the way I used to feel when I was in great shape, thinnish and toned. I was so happy. I was someone else - literally.
I've got heel spurs now, and my legs cramp up. My feet hurt all the time, and my bloodflow is slowed. I think that I'm not getting enough water. I know I'm not getting enough water. The time is now. I have to stop this stupid behavior, and it is STUPID. REDICULOUS and STUPID! I know better. I know that I want to stop. I can stop. I haven't because of so many reasons - all reasons that are rediculous to even mention.
I have to do this for me, my relationship, my friendships, but most importantly, ME! I am not happy. I want to be happy, and I have to know that I measure my self worth by my own yardstick. I can't ask my lover to make me happy. I have to be happy. No one can make you that way. So - that's it. I'm happy. I'm gonna be happy. I'm going to take care of myself before anyone else. I'm going to run everytime I get bored, instead of whatever else. I'm going to move more and eat less.
I'm dieting hard. I know that's not good - but it works for me ... and I need that right now. SOMETHING THAT WORKS!
