Ok - So, I'm honest - I'm scared. I think that the weight loss that I saw today, marking my 15 pound loss was something that will be thwarted tomorrow by a gain, a monumental gain. I don't know why - but I am weighing in at 239.0. Granted, that is only 4 pounds greater than this morning, and I did just work out - among that eating, drinking 2-3 glasses of water at home, and having at least 20 oz. at the gym ... perhaps it water weight, and not water retention. Still - it's scary.
Maybe the scariest of all is my connection, no - obsession, with the scale, and what number pop up on its digital face. Do you get like this too!? I'm not seeing a tremendous difference in the fit of my jeans - sure, they're a tad loose, but nothing so remarkable that it has me jumping up and down.
If were going to be brutally honest, I could say that the jeans - more often than not - did show a bit of flesh lapping over the edge, and that I would never, ever, not in a million years, tuck a shirt into them - and now, I can. Maybe that means that they fit now, and didn't then, and I'm only forcing that I had tried to convince myself for the past few months that they really fit.
No matter - I will update in the morning, I'm hoping with a considerable loss from this point. The goal is to weigh 232 tomorrow, and as optimistic as I am - for some strange reason - I'm guessing that I won't hit the mark. I suppose I'd be happy just to weigh 234, or 235 even. I don't want to gain any weight!
As I sit here, tapping my toe with anxiety, I notice the fat on my leg - jiggling. It makes me ashamed for the kind of life I have been living and my unhealthy eating habits and obsession with food. I thought that if I just stayed away from mirrors that it would go away ... but now, I know it hasn't. In fact - it's manifested itself into something entirely different, a whole new body, and a whole new person that I'd like to wish away in the middle of the night - and be the me that I was 3-years ago.
Still, I am on track - I'm going great with the diet, and I'm really making strides to stay on target. I can fit into pants that I couldn't fit into a year ago, and I'm seeing considerable changes in my mood and energy levels.
Someone, a friend, a very good friend, asked me today: "How long will you be on this diet?" I answered - until I'm 219. That's 20 pounds from where I weighed just a few minutes ago, and I question whether or not I have it in me to keep this up for another 15 - 20 days to see it through. There is nothing that I would love more than to be at 219. Hell, 225. And it was my goal, my anticipated end to leave on Friday weighing 225. Without some stroke of great luck, and a little help from God, there is little hope that will be realized.
But really, what would that mean? 25 pounds lost in just 12 days. Is that healthy? NO! Is that realistic? NO! So, perhaps my weightloss calendar needs to be reevaluated, to be more realistic. As for me - I'm off to take a shower and crawl under the covers with a good movie. Mr. Wonderful is at work - and won't be home until 10:30, which I hope, will be long after I've gone to sleep.
Cheers to all of you and your weightloss journeys! I'm not giving up - just a little upset that all of this has lead to a 4.0 gain! I worked out twice today! WHAT IS UP!? Maybe tomorrow I'll take the day off at the gym, and come home and go straight to bed. That seems to do me well! We shall see - it all will be tell-tell in the morning.
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