Ok - I Cheated

Yes, I cheated ... but not on my diet. I cheated and weighed myself before the Thursday timeline that I had set for myself on Monday. In fact, I weighed Tuesday and this morning. I couldn't help it.

So, Monday 11 AM: 258.4

Tuesday 1:00PM: 253.2

Wednesday 8:00AM: 250.6

So, within the last 48 hours, I've lost 7.8 pounds. Not so bad, huh? Now I'm under no illusions that this is fat. In fact, I know that this is all water and glycogen. But atleast it's GONE!

That's the UP side.

The down side:

I've probably had 1000 calories over the past two days. I'm tired. I'm extremely tired. And I'm starting to crave sweets again. Damned Easter and those jelly beans! But I'm staying strong. I was on Ebay last night and I found the CUTEST sweater/cardigan thing. It's a little metro, hermo/unisex-ish, but so cute. If only I could fit into it.

Restart, 258.4

Wow. I knew that I was getting heavier. My face is very round and full, and the size 38 pants that I used to wear comfortably, are getting quite tight. It's not like me to be so lazy and disinterested in my appearance. Not like me at all!



I'm not sure where or when the disconnect happened. I mean, I lost 30 pounds while writing this blog, and I packed it back on plus some! Remember WAY back to February of 2009?

Monday, Feb. 9: Weight 250.8 / beginning weight
Tuesday, Feb. 10: Weight 247.2 / 3.6 pound loss
Wednesday, Feb. 11: Weight 244.2 / 3 pound loss
Thurdsay, Feb. 12: Weight 242.6 / 1.6 pound loss
Friday, Feb. 13: Weight 240.2 / 2.4 pound loss
Saturday, Feb. 14: Weight 238.8 / 1.4 pound loss
Sunday, Feb. 15: Weight 236.0 / 2.8 pound loss
Monday, Feb. 16: Weight 235.6 / .4 pound loss
Tuesday, Feb. 17: Weight 234.4 / 1.2 pound loss

I eventually lost just over 20 pounds, and in the course of 2-weeks! Perhaps it was the ability to lose weight so quickly that had me so careless about how quickly I packed it back on? I don't know. But, I'm 8 pounds HEAVIER than I was at the start of Feb. 2009, and I no longer have a gym membership or group of friends with memberships to keep me motivated to go daily.

In short, though - because I could go on, and after re-reading this blog from its beginning, it would really be the same thing over and over again, I need to lose 40 pounds in April. April 24th is my 4-year anniversary with the most amazing person. I know we'll go out for dinner, so I don't want to ruin the experience for both of us because of my diet. I will skip the diet for dinner that night, but immediately get back on it, and ride it out through my birthday in mid-May.

The hopeful breakdown:
Start Date: 3/29 - Beginning Weight 258.4
Week One: 4/5 - Hopefully down 249.0 (loss of 9.4lbs)
Week Two: 4/12 - Hopefully down 239.0 (total loss of 19.4lbs)
Week Three: 4/19 - Hopefully down 230.0 (total loss of 28.4lbs)
- Cheating on 4/24 for the anniversary dinner. Not huge cheating. Just wine, and maybe a carb.
Week Four: 4/26 - Hopefully down 225.0 (total loss of 33.4lbs)
Week Five: 5/3 - Hopefully down 219.0 (total loss of 39.4lbs)
- Cheating on 5/8 for the birthday party. Alcohol, and perhaps cake? pie? Come on, it's my birthday!
Week Six: 5/10 - Hopefully down to 215.0 only 4lbs because of the bday cake (total loss of 43.4lbs)
Leaving for vacation 5/13 - GOAL WEIGHT: 213.4 For a total weight loss of 45 POUNDS!

The plan, my PSMDF fall back for the entirety of the almost 6 weeks, along with a 6-week slim down home work out, nightly walking/jogging (weather permitting), and moderate weight lifting as part of the circuit training from the home work out. I think that all of this can work in unison to help break the marks and push my weight WAY DOWN helping me to develop a more reasonable weight.

I have three pairs of shorts that I purchased last year for a vacation we took to Newport in September. I couldn't comfortably wear 2 of the 3 pair. Now, I'm not sure what weather we'll incur on the trip in mid-May, but if it's anything like last year, a pair of shorts with a smart sweater would be completely appropriate, and the beautiful pairs that I couldn't wear last Summer will really look great. Both pair are a 36 waist, but if losing 45 pounds means that I can no longer wear a 36, and have to go shopping, I'm CERTAINLY not going to complain! LOL!

Wish me luck, again - please! I know I can do this! I'll be checking in with you during the weigh ins. I'm not going to weigh in daily for a while, because I have found that it doesn't keep me motivated in the beginning. So my next weigh in will probably be on Thursday. Keep your fingers crossed for the high 240's, and as we leave the 250s, 240s, 230s, 220s - we'll be waiving goodbye for good. I'm done with this - seriously.

What's wrong with me!?!?!

Ok, so I've become of of "those" people. The people who constantly talk about losing weight - but never do anything about it. The people who drive through the drive through at lunch instead of getting up the extra 30 minutes before work to make a nice lunch that isn't filled with salt, sugar, and CARBS! What happened to the person I used to be? Where did he go? Why isn't he standing up for himself, telling the "new" me to stop eating crap, stop sulking about, and do something!

I have lost weight - not much, certainly not as much as I wanted to by this time - only 6 pounds. 251.7.

I look in the mirror and say: "You don't look bad." Then I'll see a picture and re-think that. Like now, there are pictures of me on a website from a community service venture - and although I was surprised that I looked as good as I did - there is one shot of me standing - and you can totally see the pertruding fat of my lovehandles. I'm not just making this up people. It's true! You can. It's not JUST ME!

And yet - I know that's the case and what am I doing to fix it? NOTHING! I'm still drinking diet coke by the gallons every day. I know that's not good for me for a BUNCH of reasons, not to even include weight and dietary sugar needs. I am drive-thru-ing everyday at lunch. No ryhme nor reason. I don't get why I'm sabotaging myself.

I don't like this. I don't like it at all. And I know I've said this 100 times, but I'm going to take back my life... TODAY! Not monday, not tomorrow. TODAY! I'm going to go downstairs and fill up this 1liter bottle of diet coke with water. I'm going to walk tonight. I'm going to do garden work, and I'm going to run tomorrow. I'm going to do my slim-in-6 dvd tomorrow too. Maybe even tonight. I'm going back on my diet. I'm not going to get off of it until I've lost 35 pounds, and can fit comfortably into a 36" waist.

I'm going to start RIGHT NOW caring about my appearance, my hygene, my SELF! I hate to admit that I haven't been taking care of myself, I really haven't. I'm so ashamed. But I can only be this way if I allow it. And I'm not allowing it anymore. NO MORE!

Now - now that I'm all worked up and talking myself into this - I'm feeling invigorated. I just have to make myself do this. I have to keep up the good fight. I have to do all that I can, every time that I can. Make healthy choices. Remember the way I used to feel when I was in great shape, thinnish and toned. I was so happy. I was someone else - literally.

I've got heel spurs now, and my legs cramp up. My feet hurt all the time, and my bloodflow is slowed. I think that I'm not getting enough water. I know I'm not getting enough water. The time is now. I have to stop this stupid behavior, and it is STUPID. REDICULOUS and STUPID! I know better. I know that I want to stop. I can stop. I haven't because of so many reasons - all reasons that are rediculous to even mention.

I have to do this for me, my relationship, my friendships, but most importantly, ME! I am not happy. I want to be happy, and I have to know that I measure my self worth by my own yardstick. I can't ask my lover to make me happy. I have to be happy. No one can make you that way. So - that's it. I'm happy. I'm gonna be happy. I'm going to take care of myself before anyone else. I'm going to run everytime I get bored, instead of whatever else. I'm going to move more and eat less.

I'm dieting hard. I know that's not good - but it works for me ... and I need that right now. SOMETHING THAT WORKS!

So Embarrassed

It wasn't until this morning when I realized that I didn't really fit into anything anymore. The sweater I threw on because the rest of the shirts were at the cleaners is about a size too small, which is embarrassing since it's an XL. The elastic waist band certainly doesn't do any good either, and my stomach is peaking over the size 38 pants I'm wearing. Granted - I'm tall, I hold it well, but not THAT well.

If this is disgusting to you - I certainly understand why. It's VERY disgusting to me. And it IS ME! I'm so glad that I'm throwing this all away now. There is no reason to be fat. You can make healthy choices - you can make smart decisions. It's about will power, and putting down the remote and putting on some walking shoes. Driving to the grocery store rather than the drive thru of Burger King.

I can do this. I will do this!

I made a better list of priorities today - and a list of goals that I think I can achieve. I have a vacation planned for August, then another for September. I want to be able to wear shorts this summer, I want to be able to feel good in my vacation clothes - maybe even stop in for some shopping? I know I can do it - I will do it.

So: Start date (or re-start date) is 5/18 @ 257.2 pounds. So far, I'm right on track. No soda today - and I'm not quite feeling the effects of no caffeine yet. I've had 1 12oz. bottle of water - and will take another with me when I leave for lunch in the next few minutes to keep me from stopping for soda on the way back into the office. I've got an exercise plan written with a friend who I know will make me follow it - she needs to follow it too. So the hope is that by 5/25 - next Monday, a week from today, I will have lost 7.2 pounds, putting me at exactly 250 or a few ounces below. I know that's 7 pounds in one week - but I can do it. I know I can.

Then, by 6/1, the following Monday and two weeks in (not concentrating on a strict diet - but a livable one) I'll be at 244. It goes down the line til the end of June and into July. On July 11th, I have a thing planned, and I'm sure we'll be doing something for July 4th. So - I need to be able to fit into the white shorts I have waiting in the wings (a waist size 36) by 7/1 COMFORTABLY. Meaning that I need to lose atleast 3-4" around my waist in that month and a half.

*ASIDE* I remember buying those shorts - thinking, gosh you're getting heavy. A 36?!?! I asked myself. Now I am aching to be able to fit back into them - no way to even button them now. Not so funny.

Ok - so here's the breakdown:

5/18 - 257.2
5/25 - 250.0 or lower (loss of 7.2)
6/1 - 244 or lower (loss of 13.2)
6/8 - 235 or lower (loss of 22.2)
6/15 - 229 or lower (loss of 28.2)
6/22 - 222 or lower (loss of 35.2)
6/29 - 218 or lower (loss of 39.2)
7/6 - 212 or lower (loss of 45.2)

Now - somewhere between 200 and 212 is where I'd like to find myself comfortably resting for a long long while. It's not super skinny for me as I'm 6'2 and very broad, naturally sort of muscular especially in the lower half. But that's where I can fit nicely into a 34" waist and tuck things in comfortably without feeling like an overweight cow.

So - now let's see if I can stick to this. 45 pounds in less than 2 months. I think I can do it. No- I CAN AND I WILL DO IT !

257.2 - Starting Today

That's it ... I've had enough. I start today - no excuses. A life change - a turn away from numbers above 210, and away from pants sized above a 34 and shirts bigger than a Large. It's time that I take back my life, my body, my pride and happiness from the squallor I've left it in these past few years.

The goal: 47 pounds - short term, 57.2 eventually. Hopefully by the end of July. I know - it seems out of reach - but that's plenty of time ... it's barely the middle of May. I'm going to post losses weekly, and weigh weekly. A change from the prior daily loss posting and daily weighing. I need to be welcomed by larger numbers ... and I think I can do it. No, I know I can do it ... and I will! I will!

The hardest part: cutting out soda. Even though it's diet - it's not healthy, it's not going to help you lose weight - don't buy into what they say! It's awful for your body - it sends you searching for sugar to fill the empty calories. You can't mess with the way your body was meant to work like that. I'm done ... DONE with soda, diet or otherwise. DONE!

This week - well, for the next few weeks, til' I'm down to 227.2 pounds or lower, I'm going to really take it full force. Eating moderately on the diet I was on before - but also adding in some leafy greens and whole wheat rice and pastas - that will most likely come later. The rewards are great - self confidence, feeling like the old me ... being "hot" again. I want this. I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING! I'd quit my job to be able to work out with a trainer for 3-4 hours a day, that's how bad I want this!

I know I can do it. I know I can. I will ... just watch me.

Back to where I started ...

3 months ago I started this blog, hoping to lose 50 pounds. After just 2 weeks, 20 pounds washed itself away and I made huge realizations about my eating habits ... sadly, even those realizations and the weightloss didn't help keep me from ballooning back up to where I started: 251.6 pounds.

I know that I'm not the only one with this problem - how can I be? I know that I'm not obese, but overweight certainly - and I need to lose this weight to get back into a comfortable place (in my life, and my pants!)

I wasn't dieting sensibly before - made obvious by the rapid weight gain after the rapid weight loss. A no-carbohydrate diet and tons of exercise worked in getting the pounds off - 20+, but it didn't keep me from gaining everything back once I stopped eating chicken, and gave in to pizza, burgers, and fast food drive thru's.

The weight came back almost as fast as it went - in less than 2 weeks, I was back into the 230's teetering the line to 240, and now - I'm above the 250 mark, again. My goal - is to be down to 200 by the end of June. We have a planned thing in the early part of July, and I'd like to be in a particular pair of shorts by then. You see - I used to be thin, never too thin, but thin enough. My 6'2 broad frame, looks best in a 34" waisted pant, and even though I've worn a 31" in the not to distant past - I feel better, and look better when I'm boasting a loose 34. Honestly, I'm pushing the seems of a 38, and a 36 - let alone a 34 doesn't seem in my near future. But, I have to do something - and I'll do what I know works for me.

I'll get back into exercise - running with the dogs, walking with my friends, and doing the beachbody tapes ... before you know it I'll be down 20 pounds and feeling great ... but the trick, the test, is ... STAYING ON THAT TRACK! I have an obvious problem with sabotaging the loss after getting to about 20 pounds gone. Not only is that completely damaging to my psyche, but also to my body. I shouldn't be yo-yo-ing as I do.

So - the goal: 34" shorts by the end of June, loosely worn with a shirt tucked in - and a move toward a healthier life, and a lower number on the scale - somewhere nearer to 200, between 200 - 210.

Care to join me, again?

Self Sabotage

I've noticed something about me lately - I seem to be an emotional eater. I wouldn't have thought that before, necessarily, but these past few days - with what has been a brutal existence at home, I've eaten so badly ... almost on purpose.

Last night, after eating more than 2000 calories of McDonalds crap, yes crap - it was the most awful tasting substance, I laid in bed and cried. Why did I do that to myself? What pushed me there, to that place where I said - it doesn't matter anymore?

No matter, today those empty calories and nights spent crying are over. I am in serious need of a lifestyle overhaul - and I'm going to make sure that I get it. I'm still tipping the scale at just about 240, but still in the 239 range.

I'm going to make sure that I get back down into the 229 range soon, very soon. Look forward to my posted loss by Monday.