The funny thing is, I don't look, or ... I don't FEEL like I look heavy. I know I don't look thin, I know I don't look a thing in the world like my facebook photo or the blog photo I have plastered over my other more popular design blog. But still, nothing stops me from eating mounds of crap daily that I don't need or want, but feel required to eat. Do you ever feel that? Required to eat?
For instance, Sam, a girl at my office brought Easter candy to work. Now, with an office full of fat asses, why in the hell would you bring Easter candy in? BAGS of it! No joke, at least 3 bags. Better yet, why the hell would you bring it in with a fancy serving dish? It was like she was testing ... and I failed. I ate a handful each day until it was gone.
I don't fit into anything in my closet. I tried on a shirt a few days ago that I wore back in December, maybe November of last year and it didn't fit. Wouldn't even button. I looked like I was shopping in the little boys section of Ralph Lauren ... and I felt like total shit. In fact, this has pushed itself into every realm of my life. I don't take good enough care of myself, I don't take good enough care of my husband, and I haven't been taking ANY care of my house - which, sadly, is probably my number one priority. I just want a do over. I want to wake up, back down at 192 lbs after having lost all the weight the first time, and have the opportunity to do better this time. To go to the gym even when I don't want to - to eat better - stay healthy. But I'm not delusional, I know that's not going to happen. What has to happen though is a change. The start of one, anyway. My goal is simple, to lose weight. That's it ... by any means necessary, but to lose it. A pound at a time.
I know that I can diet irrationally, and I probably will. I'll lose 20 pounds in a matter of a week or so, and then plateau ... but unlike every other time when I fell off the wagon only to gain the 20 I lost plus 20 more back, I am going to have to push through, and suck it up. Quit being a cry baby, and stop wishing that it could come easy. Get out there, and do something about it. TODAY! So, because there is literally $100 worth of food in the fridge for a dinner I planned to have Sunday, before fighting with my husband for an hour over why a sofa wouldn't fit in the basement, I am going to have my last supper tomorrow (well, today) and then start the PSMDF tomorrow. I've probably gone into the PSMDF in this blog before ... so I won't do it now. The goals are as follows:
That's just about 30 pounds in a month, and then pushing over into May, 32.3 pounds by my 29th birthday! It's my goal (ultimately) to be down to 215 before July. I know that the first 20 will come off quicker than my goal weight chart ... but keeping it off, and keeping the losses coming at as great of a percentage to May 22nd, will be a chore. One that I will have to continually remind myself of. This sheet shows a total loss of 37.9 pounds lost in a month and a half. I think I probably can lose closer to 40 - 45 if I play my cards right, and really take this and myself seriously. I have a feeling that my job may be on the line ... not for my weight ... for my inability to function and stay focused because of all the chaos in my life. Perhaps losing it ... the job, will help to lose the weight. Course, it wouldn't help to pay my bills - so that's not realistically a good option. But it could happen - and if it did, it would give me the ability to be in a gym 4-hours a day. Like on the biggest loser. But I digress, I'm hoping to be 30-40 pounds thinner by my birthday, May 10th. That puts me at around 230-235 pounds. I'm then hoping to keep the momentum, and lose an additional 30-40 pounds by July 16th. At 195 pounds, my red flag weight is 205. I will never, NEVER, let myself get over that weight again. EVER! Good night old me, good morning ... the real me.
